Avatar of Chapel Orahamm from The Kavordian Library sitting on a box.

I woke up this morning trying to figure out how I wanted a chapter in Subgalaxia to work itself out.  That wasn’t quite coming through for a few hours.  So, I opened up Illustrator and went to work on some drawings for the books, but nothing was feeling quite right.

These writer and art blocks happen.  I have to find some way to press through them though.

I’ve been growing out my hair for a few years now in hopes of finally death-hawking it – sans the weird sideburn thing.  Never could get my head wrapped around that.  Anyways.  I had an episode of tendinitis of a tendon that wraps around the outside of my foot and doc put me on some anti-inflammatory of some kind.  It worked great for the tendon pain.  However, I ended up having one of the side-effects from it.  My hair started thinning – FAST.  I didn’t put two and two together though.  I thought that it was just getting longer, so I was seeing more of the hair when it shed.  Yeah.  No.  So, in a fit of desperation way before the length was right for what I wanted, I headed out to the barber to see what could be done about maybe not seeing so much hair.  That’s when the barber informed me that I was “thinning”…joy.  They told me to go talk to my doc before they’d cut my hair, that way the doc could make a more informed diagnosis.  Come to find out it was that pesky medicine.  No more meds for me to get my hair to stop this crap.  So, now I get to wait through two weeks more of shedding for the meds to get out of my system, then four months for baby hairs to start filling in all over.  That’s quite a blow to the ego when I’ve always grown up with barbers going “woah…you have thick hair.”

This whole hair thing got to me this morning while I was sitting at the computer trying to come up with a chapter or some art.  I just picked up Kingdom Hearts hair sticks from Hot Topic yesterday and had them in.  I had just showered and my hair was wet.  It won’t dry if I don’t let it hang, so I pulled the sticks out and was amused with the little bobbles on the hilt. – So maybe some part of that was part of this whole thing that got me thinking.

I haven’t been happy with my body shape or physical fitness level since I was probably in sixth grade?  That sounds about right.  I was never rail thin, or very chubby.  I was just pretty much an average rectangle.  Then puberty hit and everything went to crap.  It was nothing like what I looked like in my head.  What I’ve grown up with in my head.  Its sort of like listening to your own voice – you could swear you don’t sound like that to yourself.  I hit one summer during college that I was at a shape that I liked – but that had to do with having had knee surgery on both legs, not having ready access to a kitchen to eat out of boredom, and physical therapy.  I liked that weight, and the shape was getting better.  I’m now about 50 lbs over that weight and not thrilled with my gut, legs, or arms.  So, somewhere in this train of thought, I asked myself – “if you aren’t happy with your real hair and your real body, why not draw what you feel you look like in your head.”

So, to the average reader, this is what I look like in my head.  Somewhere in the androgynous zone of who knows?  I’m gender-fluid and pan if that helps explain that confusion a bit and why I centered this image with my back and not my front.  I do have natural brown hair.  I’d dye it in a heartbeat if it didn’t cost a freaking fortune to maintain it when that money can definitely go to a load of other things – like house, car, bills, etc. etc..  Ombre from blonde to ginger to my natural roots.  It would also be about nine inches longer then where it’s at now.  Talk about expensive upkeep there.

I don’t have any tattoos in real life, but I’ve always wanted some, again, since about sixth grade.  I like tattoo bands a lot – they’re simple and easy to touch up, and also I wish my arms were a hella lot less flabby.  Yes, I hear you in the back, push-ups are on my to-do list, thanks.  I’ve been contemplating taking up rock climbing, pole fitness, and aerial silks/gymnastics for the last year or two – again monthly installments of $100+ makes my eyes twitch.  I had done Tae Kwon Do during high school and college until my knees got bad.  Never got very far in it, but I loved doing it.

I ended up with a pair of olive green cargoes from Abercrombie and Fitch during high school.  God I loved those pants.  Comfortable as hell and thick.  I’d pair it with a ribbed black tank that fit like a glove.  Loved that outfit – also hated my stomach a whole lot less in those years. – So yeah, that is my favorite outfit and I miss it dearly.  It made me feel good about myself.  There was also a pair of black boots that went with that outfit in the winter and an American Eagle khaki hoodie that I still have.  Summer time was sunburns and flip-flops.

I also don’t have that many piercings, though I wish.  I’ve only got the lower lobs singularly pierced, and I never wear anything in them – everything but surgical steel hurts and most surgical steel type earrings I’d drop money on…well…  I’d gauge my ears in a heartbeat and run a couple piercings up the sides and get a a barbell in one of them just for the asymmetric hell of it.  I had one cartilage piercing back in high school that I enjoyed a lot, but it had a personal meaning to it and I got rid of it with that relationship and let the cartilage heal over. So, now it’s just the two.

You see, the thing is, it doesn’t scare me to do any of that.  Tattoos, piercings, hair coloring, that all costs money and can hurt or take a lot of time.  That’s not it.  Physical fitness – that’s all on me and I know it.  It’s just I value a few people and their comfort zones more in my life then the superficial things…so I proceed as I am and that’s alright.  So, this is me, and not me.  That might be why I write.  Authors are worlds trapped in people after all.  Sometimes I wish the world in me would leak out to reality a bit.

Toshogu Shrine Postcard
Image result for the crow of connemara
The Crow of Connemara

I am a writer and artist working through the Kavordian Library series. I write sci-fi, fantasy, lgbt romance.