I’ve been burning the candle at both ends for the last week. I’ve been pushing to make some passive income on patreon and ko-fi since May. I’ve been working to up my social media following since November. I’ve been reaching out for more followers on Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest even. Push, push, push. I swear, if I keep pushing, I should just take a Lamaze class.
I’m trying hard to create an income. My SO works hard to provide for me and the house. However, as an only child, I was raised with the mentality that I would be expected to do something “productive” with my life. I quite honestly feel like I’m free-loading most of the time. Also, household chores were shared between my folks and me, so becoming a “housespouse” feels more like I’ve just turned into a kept maid and cook. It feels a little demoralizing sometimes, the way media portrays housespouses.
I went to university with a goal in mind. Different circumstances lead to a myriad of changes for that goal. Originally I went to become an international Asian antiques acquisition (lawyer with a bachelors of Asian Studies and minor in Japanese and Chinese). I had to change university when I lost the ability to continue with in state tuition (bad relation broke down and had to move.) I applied to learn how to run a bed and breakfast through restraunt and hotel management, but switched that to Geology so I could become a Paleontologist. The school goofed my transcript and I wasn’t able to take a class I had to take at a very specific time to stay on track for graduating in a timely manner and had to transfer to a different degree. By this point, I already had enough classes and they were jacking the tuition rate up again that I just folded and took a Liberal Arts degree with emphasis in Asian Art History and Asian History with a minor in Sociology. I was pulling 18-20 hours each semester and graduated early. I just barely escaped with a low student loan because of that hustle.
In the end, I was hoping with that degree to go to Tokyo University for a Masters in Japanese Art History/History and a Ph.D. in Japanese Art History/History to become a professor or work for a museum.
My SO ended up landing a sweet gig. It’s been solid, stable, and comes with insurance. It also pays well enough that we were aware that anywhere that I could work while we paid off my student loans would actually force us into a financial position lower then a standard that we wanted to maintain. We could have done it. We decided not to. So, we paid off the student loan, bought a house, and a car and kind of had to throw my dreams out the window. I’ve been throwing them out the window for years now. It seems normal now. It seems that I’m destined to sacrifice this part of me in exchange for the safety of a good house and a secure job that pays well enough for me to not have to struggle.
That still leaves me mentally unfulfilled. Which gets me in to trouble. Got land? Why not make it into a hobby farm? Got a talent for art and writing? Why not become an author and an illustrator? Got a burning desire to travel? Uh…that one takes a lot of money.
So, where am I at now? I’m trying to push really hard to make a comic book and create a fanship that would love to interact with me at conventions. I’m trying to put together a patreon an ko-fi with hopes that some fans will like my product so much that they might through a dollar my way every once in a while so I can feel like I can pay for my adobe illustrator subscription with my own money. I feel like a freeloader and I’d like to stop feeling like a freeloader. I’ve started up a Zazzle website to place my designs on items that people can buy if they don’t like donating directly. This way they get something, and I make a 5%-8% royalty on whatever they buy. It’s not much, but I’m hoping that with hard work and dedication, I can make it into a living paycheck.
At this point, I have to wonder what I really want out of that paycheck.
So, where does that leave me with all the hustle I’ve been doing this week? I want to feel like I can contribute to the family. I want to pay for my software subscription and for the things I want to do to improve myself and my world. At the end of the day, if you’re wondering where your money is going by funding any of my stupid little social media pages, it’s that. It really is that. Just wanting to get out of debt and be a better person.